I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
