I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
