That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
