I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
