I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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