im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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