My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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