We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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