I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
