Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
