she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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