my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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