1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
