I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
