WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
