I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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