Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
