how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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