he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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