I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
