Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
