**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
