watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
