I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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