There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
