Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
