So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
