I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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