these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
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She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
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The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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