Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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