there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
