Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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