Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I smell like Dick and happiness
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize