If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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