You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
