If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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