My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
