apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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