I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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