oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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