Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
