theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Someone shattered a urinal.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
