I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
