Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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