I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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