You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
