god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
