i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
