I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
