dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
