My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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