I think my vagina is haunted
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Go christen that room with your naked body.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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