I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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