I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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