I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
