He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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