when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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