Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
