i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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