You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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